The Mighty Mystical Lie Detector
By beekay (Brandon Haught)
I have a confession to make. I did something evil for which I now feel a bit guilty. It was for the sake of good order and discipline I assure you, but in
retrospect I suppose there were other ways to deal with the problem.
I feel so dirty for admitting this ... I was drunk on the power religion had over an evil that had invaded my household. I used that power mercilessly only to face the potentially destructive force myself later.
My two not-so-angelic children were in the throes of a lying fervor that can only be accredited to that evil prince of lies himself, Lucifer. Or maybe it was just one of those childhood stages all kids go through. I don't know. I like to think that the wily ol' devil was the cause even though I know better. It just makes for a better story.
A crime had been committed: someone didn't flush the toilet after a "number 2." The two suspects: boy, age seven; and girl, age nine. I brought the crime to the attention of the two suspects. Each vehemently denied having even been near the scene of the crime. There was a grueling interrogation that produced no results. Leaving the suspects alone for five minutes to "sort things out" did no good. Taking away privileges one by one every few minutes was devastating to the suspects, but didn't bring about a confession.
Now mind you, this was not the first instance of lying. Not by a long shot! The preceding weeks had been chock-full of one lie after another, mainly told by my daughter. The boy had told a few, but my daughter had been going full force like a derailed freight train through a cornfield. The current issue of the unflushed toilet was by itself no big deal, but the lying had reached a crescendo that my wife and I were determined to end. The evil must be BANISHED! [Editor's note -- This is more dramatic if you read this word in the old Shakespearean poetic way: bani-SHED.]
So after well over half an hour, we were at our limit. There seemed to be no way of breaking the hardened criminal. That's when my wife grabbed the nearest tool handy: THE BIBLE! Boy oh boy those kids were in for it now!
Before I go any farther, let me tell you that my wife is not a "fundie." She doesn't preach or rant and rave about religion. We say grace before each meal, and her and the kids head off to church three out of every four Sundays. That's about it. What happened during our little 'toilet-gate' was a pure spur of the moment action.
My wife held out the Bible and directed each child to swear on it. But first she took a minute or two to drill into their heads just how serious swearing on the Bible was. You weren't lying to mommy and daddy. Oh no, you were lying directly to Jesus and God! So you just go right ahead and lie and JESUS WILL KNOW!
Now that is power! I could just imagine the struggle in my kids' minds. 'Lie to mommy and daddy and I might get a spanking, but lie to Jesus -- what might happen?!'
My son was a bit hesitant about approaching the mighty mystical lie detector, but he placed his hand upon it and swore that he was not lying. No bolt of lightning. But my wife and I had figured on that. The main suspect was next.
You should have seen the epic struggle between good and evil being played out on the poor little girl's face. You could almost hear Lucifer screeching. In a fit of tears befitting the drama queen that she is, she broke down. She admitted to having not flushed the toilet.
Oh my ... the power! The awesome, awe-inspiring display of might was a sight to see. We had found a high-intensity weapon against the lying demons that had possessed our poor innocent children. Or maybe it's just one hell of a psychological crowbar, but once again I'll stick with the demon story for drama's sake.
In the weeks following 'toilet-gate' that Bible got a good workout. I never 'pulled the trigger' myself. My wife was always the one to present the good book and give the lying to Jesus speech. But I was a very willing accomplice. I would often be the one to suggest bringing out the big guns. I would always be standing right behind my wife with arms crossed, giving the kids my most menacing 'you better listen to your momma' stare.
But then the potential for this whole deal backfiring smacked me full in the face. The realization hit me that I was supporting religion. Through my show of support of mom's mighty mystical lie detector, I was doing some lying myself. Even though I had never talked to my kids about my non-belief, I was setting myself up for failure in the future when I eventually would tell them about atheism. Oh, but I was like the ill-fated Darth Vader giving in to the dark side. The power that book had over the lying demons possessing the kids was hard to resist.
Fortunately, the book's power did eventually wane. It was overused and so lost its effectiveness. There were even times when the kids requested the use of the book! So obviously their fear of being zapped by lightning -- or whatever punishment their active minds had come up with -- had given way to a realization that the power can be used both ways. Oh well; time to move on to other tactics.
Despite my later reservations about having wielded something so powerful, I do have to admit that the good book had served a good purpose. The kids can still tell one whopper of a lie, but it's not nearly as frequently. The Bible had broken the lying devil's back when it was at its most powerful. Or maybe the kids' natural lying phase had finally played itself out. Naaaahhh ... I'll stick with the devil explanation; it just adds a little extra zip to the story. Don't you think?
By beekay (Brandon Haught)
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I feel so dirty for admitting this ... I was drunk on the power religion had over an evil that had invaded my household. I used that power mercilessly only to face the potentially destructive force myself later.
My two not-so-angelic children were in the throes of a lying fervor that can only be accredited to that evil prince of lies himself, Lucifer. Or maybe it was just one of those childhood stages all kids go through. I don't know. I like to think that the wily ol' devil was the cause even though I know better. It just makes for a better story.
A crime had been committed: someone didn't flush the toilet after a "number 2." The two suspects: boy, age seven; and girl, age nine. I brought the crime to the attention of the two suspects. Each vehemently denied having even been near the scene of the crime. There was a grueling interrogation that produced no results. Leaving the suspects alone for five minutes to "sort things out" did no good. Taking away privileges one by one every few minutes was devastating to the suspects, but didn't bring about a confession.
Now mind you, this was not the first instance of lying. Not by a long shot! The preceding weeks had been chock-full of one lie after another, mainly told by my daughter. The boy had told a few, but my daughter had been going full force like a derailed freight train through a cornfield. The current issue of the unflushed toilet was by itself no big deal, but the lying had reached a crescendo that my wife and I were determined to end. The evil must be BANISHED! [Editor's note -- This is more dramatic if you read this word in the old Shakespearean poetic way: bani-SHED.]
So after well over half an hour, we were at our limit. There seemed to be no way of breaking the hardened criminal. That's when my wife grabbed the nearest tool handy: THE BIBLE! Boy oh boy those kids were in for it now!
Before I go any farther, let me tell you that my wife is not a "fundie." She doesn't preach or rant and rave about religion. We say grace before each meal, and her and the kids head off to church three out of every four Sundays. That's about it. What happened during our little 'toilet-gate' was a pure spur of the moment action.
My wife held out the Bible and directed each child to swear on it. But first she took a minute or two to drill into their heads just how serious swearing on the Bible was. You weren't lying to mommy and daddy. Oh no, you were lying directly to Jesus and God! So you just go right ahead and lie and JESUS WILL KNOW!
Now that is power! I could just imagine the struggle in my kids' minds. 'Lie to mommy and daddy and I might get a spanking, but lie to Jesus -- what might happen?!'
My son was a bit hesitant about approaching the mighty mystical lie detector, but he placed his hand upon it and swore that he was not lying. No bolt of lightning. But my wife and I had figured on that. The main suspect was next.
You should have seen the epic struggle between good and evil being played out on the poor little girl's face. You could almost hear Lucifer screeching. In a fit of tears befitting the drama queen that she is, she broke down. She admitted to having not flushed the toilet.
Oh my ... the power! The awesome, awe-inspiring display of might was a sight to see. We had found a high-intensity weapon against the lying demons that had possessed our poor innocent children. Or maybe it's just one hell of a psychological crowbar, but once again I'll stick with the demon story for drama's sake.
In the weeks following 'toilet-gate' that Bible got a good workout. I never 'pulled the trigger' myself. My wife was always the one to present the good book and give the lying to Jesus speech. But I was a very willing accomplice. I would often be the one to suggest bringing out the big guns. I would always be standing right behind my wife with arms crossed, giving the kids my most menacing 'you better listen to your momma' stare.
But then the potential for this whole deal backfiring smacked me full in the face. The realization hit me that I was supporting religion. Through my show of support of mom's mighty mystical lie detector, I was doing some lying myself. Even though I had never talked to my kids about my non-belief, I was setting myself up for failure in the future when I eventually would tell them about atheism. Oh, but I was like the ill-fated Darth Vader giving in to the dark side. The power that book had over the lying demons possessing the kids was hard to resist.
Fortunately, the book's power did eventually wane. It was overused and so lost its effectiveness. There were even times when the kids requested the use of the book! So obviously their fear of being zapped by lightning -- or whatever punishment their active minds had come up with -- had given way to a realization that the power can be used both ways. Oh well; time to move on to other tactics.
Despite my later reservations about having wielded something so powerful, I do have to admit that the good book had served a good purpose. The kids can still tell one whopper of a lie, but it's not nearly as frequently. The Bible had broken the lying devil's back when it was at its most powerful. Or maybe the kids' natural lying phase had finally played itself out. Naaaahhh ... I'll stick with the devil explanation; it just adds a little extra zip to the story. Don't you think?
March 30, 2002