Raising Children to be Happy Grown-Ups is Job #1
By A. M. C.
I have a book that I recommend to any parent, no matter the ages of their children -- The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. Most parents want certain things for their children, and I want my children to be happy now, and as grown ups. It’s important to me to help them learn to get through life’s inevitable pains and troubles and make the best out of what they cannot control. The ideal adulthood I envision for my kids involves nothing more than each of them having the ability to enjoy what they do and to love their lives. The idea is not for me to make them happy, but to teach them how to make themselves happy. This book gave me some great ideas in that very direction.
Hallowell outlines five steps that a person, child or adult, goes through continually that contribute directly to a sense of "things going well" in life. First is connection, which he describes as feeling a sense of being a part of something greater than ourselves. Some people call this "spirituality" and do mean it in the supernatural sense, but to instill this feeling in my children does not require a belief in the supernatural. The book does use words like "god," "church," and "spirituality" (in only a couple of places), and I disregard them because that is not who we are as a family, and not who I am as a person. We are a part of family, community, and country without the idea of supernatural interactions. There are relationships full of love, trust, and kindness that help us to enjoy meaningful bonds. Unconditional love from parents and family give the child a definite sense of connectedness, and it is the emotional foundation that we build on. Connectedness contributes to moral character because the person who feels a part of the group cares for the community, family, or group, and wants to do right by the group. Even those children being raised in a chaotic environment with little parental support can find positive connection from a grown up who is interested, like a teacher, a grandparent, or a family friend. Unfortunately, there are people who aren't lucky enough to get these connections in childhood, and many of them fill our jails.
Play is the next step in creating lasting happiness. Unstructured play is fast becoming a lost art with children who have heavily scheduled activities. Play contributes to a content, imaginative state of mind, and the ability to dream and feel joy. Happy adults continue to play, but differently. All of our hobbies, athletic pursuits, and leisure activities are play, and the fact that we are able to learn and enjoy them has roots in our childhoods.
Step three is practice, which is really just more play. It is through practice that the child can continue skill building, along with the inherent successes, and failures that we all must learn to deal with. Practice at any activity has its own rewards, but mainly the child feels good about having done something. They may be good at baking cookies, love a sport, enjoy reading, or play an instrument, and to continue with it brings joy, and it brings step four, which is mastery.
The child who enjoys mastery learns to like succeeding, and also to like the process of doing. Maybe the child is learning to whistle, crack an egg, read words, or ride a bike, but whatever it is, the child thrives in a connected state during play, and loves to enjoy practicing the skill she will master. This will occur again and again in the life of the person who grows up to be happy. Recognition, step five, is the natural by-product of the other four steps, and it helps the child feel value or enjoy approval by those he values.
I love this book because it reminds me of my goals for my children, which is ultimately for them to reach goals that are theirs, and be happy with what they do, whatever they do. It also reminds me how to live, how to just play, how to tackle new skills without fear. Confidence is built through the cycle that Hallowell explains, both for my children, and for myself. As a mom, I want to help create the safe, connected circumstances for my three little ones to enjoy the memories of childhood, to feel the magic of play, and to develop real confidence.
Book Specifications
238 Pages
Paperback $13.00 US, $20.00Canada.
ISBN 0-345-44233-4
Publication: Random House Books, 2002.
By A. M. C.
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Hallowell outlines five steps that a person, child or adult, goes through continually that contribute directly to a sense of "things going well" in life. First is connection, which he describes as feeling a sense of being a part of something greater than ourselves. Some people call this "spirituality" and do mean it in the supernatural sense, but to instill this feeling in my children does not require a belief in the supernatural. The book does use words like "god," "church," and "spirituality" (in only a couple of places), and I disregard them because that is not who we are as a family, and not who I am as a person. We are a part of family, community, and country without the idea of supernatural interactions. There are relationships full of love, trust, and kindness that help us to enjoy meaningful bonds. Unconditional love from parents and family give the child a definite sense of connectedness, and it is the emotional foundation that we build on. Connectedness contributes to moral character because the person who feels a part of the group cares for the community, family, or group, and wants to do right by the group. Even those children being raised in a chaotic environment with little parental support can find positive connection from a grown up who is interested, like a teacher, a grandparent, or a family friend. Unfortunately, there are people who aren't lucky enough to get these connections in childhood, and many of them fill our jails.
Play is the next step in creating lasting happiness. Unstructured play is fast becoming a lost art with children who have heavily scheduled activities. Play contributes to a content, imaginative state of mind, and the ability to dream and feel joy. Happy adults continue to play, but differently. All of our hobbies, athletic pursuits, and leisure activities are play, and the fact that we are able to learn and enjoy them has roots in our childhoods.
Step three is practice, which is really just more play. It is through practice that the child can continue skill building, along with the inherent successes, and failures that we all must learn to deal with. Practice at any activity has its own rewards, but mainly the child feels good about having done something. They may be good at baking cookies, love a sport, enjoy reading, or play an instrument, and to continue with it brings joy, and it brings step four, which is mastery.
The child who enjoys mastery learns to like succeeding, and also to like the process of doing. Maybe the child is learning to whistle, crack an egg, read words, or ride a bike, but whatever it is, the child thrives in a connected state during play, and loves to enjoy practicing the skill she will master. This will occur again and again in the life of the person who grows up to be happy. Recognition, step five, is the natural by-product of the other four steps, and it helps the child feel value or enjoy approval by those he values.
I love this book because it reminds me of my goals for my children, which is ultimately for them to reach goals that are theirs, and be happy with what they do, whatever they do. It also reminds me how to live, how to just play, how to tackle new skills without fear. Confidence is built through the cycle that Hallowell explains, both for my children, and for myself. As a mom, I want to help create the safe, connected circumstances for my three little ones to enjoy the memories of childhood, to feel the magic of play, and to develop real confidence.
Book Specifications
238 Pages
Paperback $13.00 US, $20.00Canada.
ISBN 0-345-44233-4
Publication: Random House Books, 2002.
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August 03, 2004